At the age of only 50 my childhood hero Michael Jackson left this world. His music has helped me survive many dark period. I will miss him and never forget him. *blows kiss up to Heaven*


"Gone Too Soon"

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

Ik heb besloten dat het tijd wordt om van mijn huishouden van Jan Steen weer een thuis te maken, ook omdat het mijn werkplek gaat worden. Ik ben dus op zoek naar mensen die mij eventueel zouden willen helpen. De kamer, keuken en slaapkamers moeten worden ontdaan van overbodige dingen en moeten schoon. Alleen red ik het niet. Is er iemand die me wil helpen voor een dag?

I still remember the npc's singing that during my last special as Zadya, priestess of the fire goddess Ameya. They were all dressed as skaven and looked marvellously funny, even though the in character situation was dire and even though Zadya sacrificed herself in that special. Weird enough, it is what I sing to myself real life now to keep going. I also think of the Legacy rules a lot. Legacy, my fabulous mage guild at the larp Bone Breaker's Bar. A bunch of people I loved to roleplay with, many of whom I still got contact with and some of which are dear to my heart. One of the rules was 'Will it and it shall be so', a tough one for me, for I don't even know what exactly it is that I want. Do I want to live? Do I want death? I'm in a mental roller coaster ride, with my moods swinging ever so quickly and intensely. I do want one thing, but don't know how to achieve that. I want to one time relive those wonderful days at Bone Breaker's Bar again. I want to be with those people, roleplay, feel wanted and just have fun again. Just once and after that, nothing matters. No, I am not yearning for the past. The past is gone and I want to look at the future. But why not a future WITH my friends? Why is life like it that good friendships dissolve somehow because people are busy? I miss being part of something, I miss my friends, miss the one who I regard as the little brother of my heart, I miss feeling careless - even if that was just one weekend. Never will I forget the way I felt after the great ritual at my first ever lrp event: BBB 5. I was Zadya and for the first time in my entire life I felt important, loved, wanted, part of something. That feeling intensified when becoming member of Legacy guild. One can say that the wonderful players there gave me the most precious gift of them all, without even noticing it: a bit of self-esteem and friendship. Hm, where is this post going to? I think, I do want to live, but not like this. I can't control my mood swings and I'm back to square one when it comes to slimming, which is very bad for my physical and mental health. Two decisions have been taken: (1) I am going to go into intensive therapy for the mood swings and (2) I am going to have gastric bypass, a very very radical operation to lose weight. I am standing before a portal into an uncertain future, but I am willing to chose: for life, for myself and for my dear, dear friends and family. *walks and disappears into the portal*

I’m coming to terms with my redundancy. But still.. I am not acting the way I’m supposed to. I should be filing for redundancy money, should inform myself about how to become a freelancer and stuff like that. Instead I go to work day by day, feeling rotten, but doing nothing. Why don’t I do anything? Why is life so hard right now. Why do I want to get comforted by people and at the samen time I cannot bear anyone near me. I want to be with friends and I want to be alone. I want life but I crave for Death. All I want and desperately need is for the storm in my head to end, to finally find inner peace without having to worry about my bf coping. He’s got a new job, btw and I’m very glad about it.
I feel like a spectator, watching life go by without me. I see happy people and sad people. I’m totally numb, feelingless and at the same time I want to scream, harm myself and worse.
My bf got a new job. That's a good thing. Another good thing was the Pentecost weekend. Not even the Dutch public transport system acting up could change that. I’ve seen my brother and his family, my cousins and their spouses and children again. I’ve been playing with my sweet nieces. I love them dearly. Strange enough, all that seems to be far away right now. My mind remembers the weekend, but my emotions are locked away and I cannot get the nice feelings back I had but an instance ago. I’m like an old doll, discarded, broken, not loved, unwanted. I need help and I need it now for I don’t know what I’ll do next….

Well, this is it then. Today, I’m gonna sign the papers which enable my company to make me redundant. After eleven wonderful years I got the sack due to the crisis. All kinds of emotions race through my mind. I am sad to leave the company and the colleagues, afraid if it’s gonna work out becoming a freelance translator, happy that I won’t have to travel four hours a day anymore, angry because I did not do anything wrong to deserve getting the sack etc. etc. etc. All these emotions make me tired and I feel like quitting life more than ever. However, there’s still my family and friends to consider and so I – again – will not give in to my heart’s desire. Instead I shall try to rebuild my life, sorting out the therapy thing, for which I will have lots of time now. Ironic, isn’t it?
Thank goodness that there are also nice things ahead, too, although in my present state I feel like I’m only a spectator and not actually doing the stuff. Next weekend I shall be at my parents’ celebrating Mother’s Day along with my brother and his family, whom I do not see very often. Then there’s the Midsummer Fair, Castlefest and the lrp Formanterra. So I shall hold on to those happy thoughts and sometime I may rise out of the ashes and take flight once more.

I won't write much about it, but today my boss told me that I'm gonna lose my job due to financial problems. So a span of 11 years of great work is ending soon. I am very upset about it, for my job wasn't just a way to earn my cash, it was a home to me...

I haven’t been capable of writing often latly due to my mental issues (Watch the youtube film on my hyves site on BPD and you will understand). But Sna mentioning me in his LJ triggered the need for a short update. Well, where do I start? Maybe just the happy stuff first. My first ever World of Warcraft character, the female night elf warrior Isilmë, has reached level 80! I am very proud of that and am looking forward to working at my purple gear (mining titanium and stuff) a friendly guild member of mine will blacksmith for me. I am still upping my undead rogue Orelindë (lvl 64) and my human mage Iskendria (lvl52), too, although I find questing alone all the time really boring and I miss roleplay a lot.
I am going to see my parents, brother and eldest niece on Mothers’ Day and am looking forward to it. Also I will see all of my cousins, my brother and their families in May, when we will go camping together again. I hope I will be able to take part in the activities.
Next Saturday Arusetta and me will visit the Elf Fantasy Fair, showing off our new costumes. She will be there all dressed in white including wings and a staff (all made by her!!!) as the angel of life and I shall be all in black with bat wings and my skull staff as the angel of death. First time ever we actually take notice of the theme of EFF: The End of Time.
So far the happy stuff. Back to the rest of life.
My boyfriend has been diagnosed diabetes and the both of us do our utmost to stick to his new diet. Thank God he does not have to inject himself, but still…His whole life has changed and mine along with it. He has lost about 2 kg already, while I keep on gaining weight….*sighs* But we manage to work it out and as long as he does not get seriously ill, we shall be alright.
Hm, I guess I should be writing about myself a bit,huh? Hm, but I don’t know how to put this.
Well, just short then and I hope to write more detailed about it in the future. Two things rule my life atm: weight loss and my mental disorder. I’ve been diagnosed borderline, am on anti-depressants and will go into therapy one day a week. The other issue, weight loss, will be dealt with in Nieuwegein hospital. Yes. You read correctly. I’ll have a gastric banding (maagband) so I can eat less and will finally lose weight. Also I will of course continue my diet and try to up my sport skills (speaking in wow terms). Am I afraid? Yes I am! But I know – having tried to lose weight for so long and only re-gaining it every time – it is necessary. I don’t want to end in a wheel chair or worse...
Thank God I've got good friends to keep me from losing it (mentally)....

Nou, de titel spreekt voor zich. Mijn kleine wow-magier is sterker aan het worden... Ander nieuws later. Ik weet nog niet of ik dat op mijn lj moet posten.

A short message today. I could relate about the great Tremere ritual I had the honor to be a part of or tell you all about the Gothic and Fantasy Fair in Rijswijk next week, where I'll be playing with a bit of in character fire, but I don't quite feel like it. Maybe some other time.
What I do wish to share with all is the fact that I did a few things I've been avoiding lately:
I rode my bike for the first time in years and last Friday I've been to the gym for the first time in about a year. Both I find pretty scary for the first activity bears the risk of me falling off the bike and the second one to me is pure humiliation. All can see me and my ugly, wobbly body work out in a public gym!!! Alright, some of you don't care what other people think of you and none of you readers is as fat as I am, so my fear for being seen might be a bit hard to understand. Yet I'm proud that I went and I'll be trying to go to the gym at least once a week. God help me.... :p

Time flies … it does indeed. Last entry in my LJ was in November, now we’re already half-way into January. Even though it’s late, I do wish all my readers a happy new year full of love, luck, health, happiness and joy. May all your dreams come true and may I be a part of your lives in close friendship.
Looking back at 2008 first of all I’d like to thank my parents for their support, love and help. I'd also like to thank everyone who was a true friend to me in the hard times I had. Special thanks go out to my boy friend, Arusetta, Sna, Spacegeest, Coen and Sjuuls, for they had the patience and love to listen to all my dark rants, keeping me alive in the process (Yes, I am serious in this matter!). So thanks…for being such good friends. I hope you will let me return the favour if ever you need me.
2008 was a year of battle; against my obesity, but most of all against myself. A battle that still continues. I started therapy at the Center for Eating Disorders De Ursula in Leidschendam and lost 23 kg. According to my own wishes I stated towards De Ursula I got some extra help at GGZ Leiden. Having filled out many questionnaires there and for GGZ as well I got diagnosed with borderline and a few other mental problems. I must admit that it was a relief to finally know that I was not going insane and that I can work at getting better. I shall continue treatment and hope to be able to function as a ‘normal person’ soon. Also I will continue the battle against obesity. I would like to lose another 20 kg this year. I am stronger than last year and I got my friends beside me.
2008 was a year of sheer astonishment. It started with the cremation of my dear auntie Tiny. In May, a young girl called Merel van der Tol had a horrible train accident in Bunnik and died. Since every day I get past that spot I could not help but get emotionally involved. The poor girl..and her poor family and friends! I paid my respect using a white rose. Also I wrote my condoleances on her hyves site, which resulted in her aunt writing me a thank you note. Later that year people made a little shrine for her at that particular spot near Bunnik station. Merel will not be forgotten. Not even by people like me who did not know her personally. The astonishment continued in september, this time with a positive ending. As you may remember my dad fell off a tree when picking apples and broke his neck in the process. He was hospitalized and miraculously survived and was not paralyzed. And really… this is to be called a miracle for which I am very grateful to the Big Boss up in the Sky…. You may find it nice to know that at this moment my mom, dad, brother and his family are in the Italian alpes skiing!!!!!
So now 2009 has begun. The hardest battle has yet to come, but considering what I’ve achieved already I think I can be confident. I will continue losing weight, I will get mentally stronger, of course I’ll be there for my friends and family and – last but not least - become a person who’s worth to be loved and who gets to be respected.

I started a death knight char on Darkmoon Faire and found out that it is not very easy. I'd like to start a guild there, too, consisting of only female death knights. Wonder if I'm gonna be able to pull it off...
Isilmë is doing fine btw. It is fun to finally be able to level again and to see her improve her skillz and weapons. Maybe one day she shall be a real tank.
Orelindë, my undead rogue, does fine, too.
Iskendria still desperately wants help. *winks at Sna*

As for real life...don't ask. It's not too great lately. But as usual I'll fight and try to regain a lust for life.

Finally we can go to Northrend! I am looking forward to it and will probably let my main char, Isilmë Silvergreen, my night elf warrior of lvl 70, go there first. Still...I am level 32 now with my Teneras human mage Iskendria. Progress comes...but very slowly... She needs help, urgently! Any help is welcome: tips, advice, actual roleplay and ... dare I say it..financial help *blushes*.....

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
• Renske
• Angelo della Morte
• The Joker

THREE THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST 33 MINUTES:
• translate
• type this meme
• drink coffee


THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
• tattoos
• face
• I'm a good listener

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
• being fat
• depending on the opinion of others
• not able to say 'no' (and henceforth letting others abuse my good nature)

THREE THINGS YOU'RE AFRAID OF:
• Getting abandoned
• Failing
• Hurting people I care about

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
• black and red shirt
* black net shirt
• black pants

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
• Chat with Arusetta and other friends on msn or hyves
• Play wow (I just need to finally get Iskendria, my mage, levelled...)
• Check up on forums

THREE IMPORTANT OBJECTS:
• PC
• my lrp stuff (costumes, weapons etc.)
• My collection of religious pictures

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/ARTISTS:
• Evanescence
• Within Temptation
• Prince
* Queen

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
I really haven't got a clue about this one.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
• Tourniquet
• The Show must go on
• Even in Death

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
• lose weight
• get lvl 80 (gods im shallow)
• getting out of the vicious circle of my mental state

THREE THINGS YOU REGRET:
* Not being able to say 'no'
* Being such a bitch and so weak
* That I can't get rid of my wish to die, even though I got sweet, caring friends and relatives.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
• Laughter
• Friendship
• Closeness of the soul and body

THREE IMPORTANT THINGS YOU'RE GIVING TO THE WORLD:
• Love, unconditionally.
• A shoulder to cry on.
• Help to those in need in my environment. All they need to do is ask me.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
• butt
• long hair
• eyes

THREE EMOTIONAL THINGS YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
• reason
• romance
• humor

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
• say no
• ignore what others think of me
• do nothing when asked for help

THREE THINGS YOU MISS FROM YOUR PAST:
• celebrating holidays with my parents... X-mas is just not X-mas without them
• free time
• innocence

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
• loss of weight
• friendship/love
• self-consciousness

THREE REASONS WHY YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE:
• getting bullied at school
• having to grow up early
• my family and friends

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
• LARP
• Gaming
• singing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
• sleep
• be alone and think about life
• win the lottery

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
I am quite happy as a translator

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR HOLIDAY:
• Rome
• Copenhagen
• Glastonbury

THREE CARTOON CHARACTERS:
• Jessica Rabbit
• Tom & Jerry
• Bugs Bunny

THREE BOY’’S NAMES:
• Hans
• Elmar
• Kasper

THREE GIRL'S NAMES:
• Hage
• Hetty
• Clara

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
• say goodbye to my family and friends and tell them I love them
• publish my poems
• donate my lrp stuff to a lrp club and my collection of religious pictures to a church or museum

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ OR SUFFER:
• Arusetta
• Sna
• Sjuuls

I don't know what I want anymore. On the one hand I got my safe life with my boyfriend, family and dear friends. On the other hand there is still the question: is this all there is? Didn't I miss out on something? For I want to keep my life the way it is. But at the same time I want to be free and see new people and new places. All my life there has just been this one boyfriend, whom I love and don't wish to leave. At the same time I am finding out that other men seem to like me even though I'm ugly. I want to stay and I want to go. However am I gonna get out of this? The following Song from Pocahontas, the disney movie, describes the way I feel:

What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend
Waiting just around the riverbend

I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send
Jut around the riverbend
For me
Coming for me

I feel it there beyond those trees
Or right behind these waterfalls
Can I ignore that sound of distant drumming
For a handsome sturdy husband
Who builds handsome sturdy walls
And never dreams that something might be coming?
Just around the riverbend
Just around the riverbend

I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Somewhere past the sea
Don't know what for ...
Why do all my dreams extend
Just around the riverbend?
Just around the riverbend ...

Should I choose the smoothest curve
Steady as the beating drum?
Should I marry Kocoum?
Is all my dreaming at an end?
Or do you still wait for me, Dream Giver
Just around the riverbend?

Follow this link and you will see my lrp zombie character's new mount *grin*

http://undead-art.deviantart.com/art/My-little-ZOMBIE-Pony-OOak-58624794

A room
A dark room
A place of sadness, fear and pain

A child
A lonesome child
That tries to love itself ... in vain.

A door
An open door
And gleaming light enters the room.

The child
It hides away
It hides inside the room of doom.

The doubt
The fear
Impossible to trust the light

The light,
Too late!
The door slams shut, it stays outside…..


Explanation:
The light are people trying to reach my soul (the child). Some of them manage to actually open the door and reach me. But none of them dares enter it and share my Darkness, which is good, for I would not want to drag them down the spiral of doom I am going. Why then is the door slammed shut? That is the moment in which people give up on me, they feel helpless and don't know what more they can do. So they give up and leave me...

Do you believe in miracles? No? You don’t believe they happen? Well, they DO!!
Why this weird beginning? Well, I happen to have lived through a miracle in my family. 1,5 weeks ago my father had a horrible accident. He fell down three metres when picking apples from the tree in his garden. He had severe head injury, broke the second cervical vertebra (C2), hurt his back too and broke some of his ribs. He was brought to hospital and had an operation the very next day. He could have died or suffered paraplegia, which means he could have lost the ability to move his limbs. I am so very grateful, God granted him a full recovery!!! He can walk around in hospital again and will be leaving hospital very soon. Okay, he shall have to wear his neck protection for quite a while, but he is gonna live!!! And he can move his body! Words can’t describe how relieved, happy and grateful I am because of this….. Many people have prayed for him. Of course me and my mother. But also many friends and even people who don’t know him from the Bijbelkring [Bible study group] Utrecht! Last weekend I went to Germany to visit my dad in hospital and had to wipe off a tear or two out of happiness to be able to see him again…. I feel like shouting it out loud:

I STILL GOT MY DAD!!!! AND HE IS GOING TO BE OKAY AGAIN!!!!

The song I am going to post here and which I translated quite literally is from the musical Elisabeth, which is all about Empress Elisabeth of Austria. To find out more about her, I advise you to visit the website wikipedia, for hers is a tragic story. As a young girl she gets chosen by the Emperor of Austria and much is expected from her. The pressure at the royal court is too much for her. One day, in the musical, she visits a mental institution and this song is about Elisabeth envying the patients there. For though she is rich, has a husband and children (she is not allowed to raise them herself), Elisabeth is depressed and feels a certain emptiness (the nothing) in her life, nothing can fill. To me, this song is therefore very close to home. I got all I could wish for: a home, a job, family and friends who love me. And still…still I am locked up in a Realm of Darkness. My soul is emprisoned and I fear that I shall never be free to be who I really am, for I haven’t got self-esteem. Though I do fight and keep trying, all seems hopeless…


ELISABETH
How I’d like to be in your position.
In a straight jacket and not in a corset.
They only tie up your body,
while my soul lies there in shackles.
I fought
and dared do everything.
And what have I got to show for it?
Nothing, nothing, truly nothing!
And the only solution,
seems to be going insane.
And the only way out,
is it to fall down.
How tempting the abyss is.
How I’d love to jump.
Then why am I afraid to do so?
I wish it was not my destiny
to be Elisabeth.
I’d be like Titania.
who’d simply smile when people say:
She is insane.
I do a high wire act
and fear sickens me,
cause when I look down.
I see,
Nothing, nothing, truly nothing!
I keep on going
step by searching step
and my fear grows, my fear of the
Nothing, nothing, truly nothing!
Insanity would probably
free me.
But to become insane
I am too afraid.
I keep a stiff upper lip
and keep wearing my mask.
As though my life were more
than just lies,
and pain.
As though "Nothing, nothing, truly nothing"
sufficed.